Perhaps a blog is probably not to the most effacacious avenue for self in depth expression but nevertheless I will continue to delineate a rather pressing issue. I know that we all go through period of desperation and especially self deprecation but I think my derailment is driving me to the point of utter abasement and sterility. In my latest endeavours of apologetic behaviour and needing to qualify my every action to everyone, I find that I am looking to alternative sources for upliftment. bell hook's understanding of radical black feminism, cornel west on political annihilation, toni morisson's delineation of the ensalvement of women, ralph ellisson's invisible man et al. I feel not only morally repugnant but invisible again driven by my own perpetual self flagellation. I sometimes or more like, I always feel "unloved", degraded, psychic hatred towards my own self. I don't know if its too much the influence of other people, too much comparison to other people or maybe it's that I find that I am not in the right environment conducive to my needs both academically, culturally and socially. I am in a perennial battle to find self determination and define my own actualization. But in reality its that every endeavour that I attempt, I am also in discontent and displeasement with myself, solely. Some people are perplexed by the responsibility and burden that I constantly carry.
I am really starting to wonder, in my numerous anxiety attacks, if all this self strangulation is really worth it. Maybe I spend too much time devouring and indulging in vigilant attempts to prove myself, make my character better and ameliorated. I don't know what this is driven by. Perhaps I am socialized to internalize too much.
Is all this self flagellation really worth it?
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